I know it’s New Year’s Eve and I SHOULD be out celebrating the Whiz Bang Hum Dinger of a 2013 that I had (sarcasm fully admitted) and be praying that 2014 is a whole lot better but….I’d rather share this story.
The other day, my husband informed me that he had “ordered” groceries from Shop Rite. Now, since I normally “order” groceries and always use Peapod, I thought it was odd that he took this duty upon himself. Our rules are “HIS BARN, HIS RULES” and “MY HOUSE, MY RULES UNLESS IT INVOLVES MY DAUGHTER NOT WEARING SLIPPERS”.
Well, I thought the gesture was nice (he is the most thoughtful man on the planet, believe me) and when I asked what he ordered, I was told, “Things we need for the week.” Alrighty then!!!!! Score ME for not having to deal with food issues. YAY!
Monday morning arrives and the Shop Rite guy shows up with the food. I am awoken from my beauty slumber (which I need these days) and race downstairs before he leaves. I’m in PJs and bald. The dogs are barking off their heads and the pig is running around the house, grumbling because her breakfast is late. In the meantime, Daisy Doodle has knocked over my kitchen table bench, two stools, and a chair plus dragged the garbage bin across the floor in her inpatient for grain. The man was in shock.
After locking up the biting doggie, I give the man the “ALL CLEAR” sign. He brings the groceries into the house, sets them down, and I review the list of food. My eyeballs pop out of my head at the list of food AND the gynormous delivery charge. SAY WHAT? $16.95? Seriously? Peapod is $6.95!!!!
I’m interrupted from my own shock.
“Uh, ma’am,” the man says and points toward the pig. “Your…uh…pig just stole the bread.”
I throw the list at him and immediately start sprinting after the pig who, for an animal that is very overweight, can waddle the floor rather quickly. I navigate the obstacle course and wrestle the bread from her mouth. She disappears and grabs another loaf of bread. Repeat previous scene. Shop Rite guy is cracking up…lucky for me b/c my husband didn’t include a tip and I have no idea where my purse is.
After the guy left, I set out the food on the table and, perhaps it was my OCD, I had to organize it and take a photo. I figured that NO ONE would believe me what my dear, sweet, darling husband ordered for our “essentials” for the week.
(notice dog on the table…Tobi might just be one of our meals this week!)
- Five loaves of bread (in various shapes/textures/sizes)–>I already had two that had been previously untouched.
- Six variations of Thai noodles
- Five variations of couscous
- Three things of milk, including SKIM Milk (blah) and Soy Vanilla (blah blah)
- Two cans of collared greens
- One can of asparagus
- Two cans of chicken livers
- Two packages of chicken gizzards
- One can of chicken liver pate (the kids will love that, I’m sure)
- Two cans of SPAM
- Some hummus type spread (again…kids will be all over that)
- A box of White Castle Hamburgers (eeeeeuuuuu)
- Twelve rolls of Paper Towel–>I already had a case of paper towel…he just didn’t like where I put them.
No wonder Daisy Doodle stole the bread! There was no food for her, nor the dogs nor the cats! She was planning to hoard the bread for the week!
Wow. That was all I could think. Wow oh Wow oh Wow.
So that night, for dinner, what did I serve?
- A plate of toasted bread
- Collared greens
As for me, I ate cottage cheese and beets (diet) and gave my daughter extra carrots and applesauce to make up for the lack of edible selections.
In the meantime, I stand by my statement that there are certain things that men should not do. Food shopping without consulting the Mamacita of the house is one of them!
P.S. The next day, after being rushed to a cardiologist for high blood pressure, my husband said I have to eat better. I don’t think he appreciated my laughter as I responded, “So no sodium filled canned collared greens, White Castle hamburgers, and Spam????” Some people just don’t appreciate a really good sense of humor!!!!!
P.S. Jr. HE LOVED THE DINNER! HA HA HA